Got To Thinking.....

None of this even matters no more, but it's just a thought. I just got to thinking while listening to an instrumental and just here writing it out. Well... If someone loves you... Aren't they supposed to do the right things and not the wrong things? Aren't supposed to make you happy and not sad? Aren't they supposed to do things to keep you guys together and not do things to make you guys fall apart? That's what people do when they love someone. Well...part of it at least. I mean... If you don't wanna lose that someone then why do you do things to lose him/her? Especially if you know it's going to cause you two to part and especially if you know that he/she is going to find out. Then is it on purpose? And to have such a "huge" love for someone and do that to them? I mean...Why beg and cry and go suicidal to get him/her back just to get rid of what you guys shared on your own? Wouldn't it be easier to just say ok and let them walk away when they already are? But things are complicated when that person drags them back into the relationship just to ruin it. And especially to do it over and over again. I think it's just pathetic. I think it's dumb. You're either in or your out. If you want out then leave. If you want in then stay. It's weird and confusing to me. Do you understand it? Maybe they don't know what they want. But at times they are so sure and positive to the fact of what they want. Weird once again. But if you love someone and need someone that much to the point of life then when you lose them aren't you supposed to wait a lifetime for them? Fight for them every single day no matter what? Sun or rain? What ever happened to going to hell and back for someone? Or even sitting on their front porch and refusing to leave? Or none stop annoying phone calls and emails? Or things like holding on to their arm and or leg and refusing them to walk away? What happened to the love? Maybe it only happens in movies. That's true love and determination. Well...at least I can say I had mine. She fought for me and cried every single day and night just to win me back. She truly loved me but I did her wrong. Didn't know what I had till I lost it. She got married. It's funny how things change within a blink of an eye. It's funny how people lie their asses off to everyone. Especially me if you're trying to take me for a fool. Telling me you want a last chance and you finally realized it and you apologize and you need me and you wont ever do me wrong again and you do truly love me. HA! That's bullshit to the extreme. If you did then you would still be fighting for me. If you did then you would be trying to get things back. If you did then you would still be around. If you did then you would of never left. If you did then you would of never did me wrong in the beginning to start off with. But the truth to the fact is that you DON'T! You don't give a shit about me or anything. That's why I'm perfectly fine. Because it was never anything between one another. It was a lie. All of it. Every word, promise, kiss, and gift. At least my half was legit. This is nothin' though....I just got to thinking....Gonna go have me a smoke now. Until next time.

Lyrical....

It's funny how things change. One second your happy, before you know it you're heart broken, then when you think the world has finally collapsed on you, everything turns around and it's better then how it was before. I've been lyrical and music to me has been common sense. Ever since I've lost my way and found it I've never been common since. Stuck out throughout the crowds like I'm shining, like the attentions were drawn to me because like a baby I was whining. But I simply wasn't. I was just being me and doing my thing. Maybe because I feel brand new and I'm glowing in a way. But this feeling I feel, I love the new me and I aint throwing it away. I always gotta marathon running in my head, it's a clock work, it's a masterpiece. I can always dream without a bed, keep my gears working, and try to find the peace. A piece of mind is my battery to function and the other double A is my heart to keep the things pumping. It's pushing these lyrical thoughts out of my mind and these feelings I hold in my heart onto the paper of which I'm writing my lines and I'm just tearing it apart. Not the paper but these words I'm tearing it up. Like I'm spilling out my emotions and I'm just tearing it up. But my eyes are dry, my heart and mind is soaking wet. It's constantly running so I think it may be the sweat, but I aint done yet because this is the mind of me, so lyrically, fatal in a way and at times Im afraid it may over heat, so I try to control my heart and try to tame it's beat, but it wont kick up it's feet or even consider having a seat. So I let my mind and my heart run wild without any limitations because why bother when the sky is the limit. Im just striving to the top and it's got every temptation to make me wanna get all up in it and live it. I'm just in a lyrical mind state, this is what I call home and I'm planning to stay. Being lyrical there are no lights out, but for this blogg im bouncin' out. Untill next time. Gonna go write music now because all the things I said in this blogg was from my head just now and I wanna use it haha. Don't steal thieves =D

Story of a Champion...

"Lose one, let go to get one. Left one, lose some to win some (You lost one). Story of a champion, sorry I'm a champion. You lost one." I was, am, and will always be a champion because no matter what the situation or the outcome I wont lose anything. I'll give it my best and to me...that's my pride and what I had to offer. I will never lose because losing to something and anything is losing to yourself. If you think of it in a different way then you didnt lose anything at all. All the things that happen, happen for a reason. They happen because of our actions. I dont believe in fate, destiny and all that other crap. It wasnt fate that this and that happen and it was destiny that determined our outcomes. We choose our own paths and destiny. We open our own doors and walk down our own roads. If we want to turn around and go back then we could. Nothing is just set to happen. Our actions are our choices and they the things that set things in motion. I didnt lose to you, I didnt lose to him, I didnt lose to her, and Im sure as hell aint going to lose to myself. You are your own biggest opponent in life. The biggest enemy you have in life is yourself. Its your thoughts and you mind that sets you to do things. If your heart is strong and your able to fight it off then you've accomplished defeating yourself. That's when you can define yourself and really find yourself and know who you are and your purpose in life. I'm sorry but there arent many champions. I guess you're not a champion. Nobody is perfect but they can always strive to be as close to perfect as possible. That's what counts. Life aint about where you are, how you are and what's on the other side of the mountain. It's the climb that's interesting and important. Because if you learned nothing from the climb...when you get to the other side you're going to be stuck again and caught doing the same things over and over. Like....what now? It's the climb that's going to be told around the camp fire and during story time. It's always about how you got there. Not where you are. Because it dont mean shitt if you dont know how you got there; where you are wouldnt even matter. If you gave it your all and picked up the pieces along the way then your sure as hell going to get somewhere in life. But if you just ignore everything and skip to the top the view aint going to be worth it. The climb makes the view great. My scene is amazing. With that...I'll be proud to say....I've made it! Story of a Champion....

Love & Relationships

you know? i thought about it alot and for a very long time. dont get me wrong. im not yelling. im simply jus talking regularly. well....in relationships and love there are many things. first and most importantly love. but there are also important things too like....honesty, loyalty, respect, and so on. in a relationship no one should wear the pants or be the boss because both should compromise and that's how relationships work out. you both have to put in your half and see eye to eye. understand one another. when you argue with him/her you're supposed to talk and not yell and be grown ups about the situation. listen and not just hear. but really listen and dont cut off. and if you do then apologize and make things better. and when one talks the other listens and pays attention. dont get all mad about it because its childish. you may get mad but please just state or address the problem or what they said wrong and continue the conversation. it should never have to be a big mess. compromise and understand one another. you have to understand that in a relationship there'e always going to be fights, pains and tears. everyone goes through with it even married couples. but the thing that counts is not how much they spend thier time adoring you or telling you they love you but actually sticking around after the fights. you may fight and one may leave the room or hang up or watever. but the next day you guys are cooled down and talk about it and work things out. that's love. marylin monroe said " if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best" I truly do believe in that. because it relates to what i just said. one person may be on thier period for a time and be grumpy but the guy should never trip and tell her to fuck off...and the when the guy has had a rough day the girl shouldnt make it worse and tell him to man up but she should understand and make things better. or even just give him space. everyone has feelings and everyone carries a heart. everyone needs a shoulder once in a while and everyone wants to be loved. no one in the world doesnt care for love. that's why people try to fit in and be fake. to fit in and feel accepted and loved. that's why there are posers and such. because of that. they just want love. love....you cant live without it and you cant live with it. but its better to have loved then to not have loved. people chose thier own paths and write thier own destinies. they are never forced or lead to it. people make thier actions and it sets things in motion. in a relationship....both have to meet on common grounds and be on the same page. it takes two hearts to fill a relationship.

now...that was just a little info and my take on relationships and love. that's how i think its supposed to be. shitt just dont happen for a reason. it happens for a reason. now....i understand you made your decisions and you made them clear. you knew your consequences and the outcome and you still did it. you take full responsibilty for your actions. they were you're choices. no excuses and things like i dont know what i was thinking or i was caught in the moment. because no...you allowed yourself to be. and thinking back on what you said in your message it sounds to me like you're ready to be done. you say you're not but it sounds and seems like you are. you dont call back after i said bye and hung up. you didnt message me. you didnt apologize or try to fix things untill i sent you a message. and the thing that got to me was you saying "whoever you're going to marry" i dont know if you're gonna spend your whole lifetime or even a fraction of it tryna be good and prove me wrong and show me you love me to win me back. i dont know if you're just going to give up and walk away. you say one thing then another. you do one thing then another. so i honestly dont know. you always tell me no matter what leaving is not and will never be an option and you WILL make it work. but then you sent me a message saying you dont wanna be with me. not now. it sounds like im not gonna be the one standing next to you in the church. but its ok. i've finally understand and i respect your decisions. you can fight if you want and try to win me back or you can leave and do your own thing. but its your choice and you're decision. i just hope you dont expect me to wait around and wait for you because i wont. im ready to move on and get my life together. all the dreams i tell you....of my house and my kids and my cars and everything.....those are my dreams and i wanna make it come true. i am going to make it come true. im hungry for it. im striving for success. im not going to mope around in the past spending my time hating someone for no reason. it's not gonna make me any better or help me. its just gonna make me grow older and more bitter. make me more angry and unhappy. i dont wanna be angry no more. i dont wanna be sad no more. i dont wanna be negative no more. i dont wanna be sounding all emo and hating life no more. im going to live it to the fullest and love all that i can and laugh and smile all that i can. thank you tami....you made me realize sumthin and you changed my life around in a way. even though it had to hurt to get me here but the point is....i got here. im going to be happy and enjoy life. the people that love me and wanna join me can. everyone is welcome. but the ones that dont love me and wanna share a part of my life with them then they can do whatever they want. because it's thier decision and it's thier life. so thank you. i wont be giving up on life and love no more. imma be a changed man. better than i was before. imma think postive and love life. there's more to life then this. im only gonna live this life once and im already 19 years old. almost 20. time to find my place in the world and enjoy it. that's my choice and that's how i feel. so i apologize for hurting you or even making you cry for stupid little things. i really did love you though. more than you or anyone will ever know. i just want you to be happy tami. and if your choice is that you're still young and you wanna play and have fun then go for it. i dont want you to miss a thing. i've lived my life and im onto the next chapter. this is your chapter and you're in high school. you're not ready for things and stuff i have to offer. and its ok. i was just trying to keep you outta trouble and protect you. because i loved you. but if you feel you need to make every mistake possible to be perfect then its your decision. im not gonna force you to do anything or make you choose. i just simply told you what door led to what and what door led to what and you chose the doors you wanted to open. its ok. thats what you wanted. but thanks again. my eyes are open and im not gonna spend my life hating you. imma think of it as a positive movement in my life. imma be 10 times better. and i'll make sure everyone sees it. that's a promise. imma fight till the day that i die. and you and i may not be meant for one another but everyone has thier soulmate. when it's time and when i find her im going to love her with all my heart, give her everything i can, and hold onto her tight. im glad i had you. im glad we fought and we made up and it led to this. things happen for a reason. if you dont make it someone's future then it means you were never meant to be in thier future. have you ever heard the saying " i asked god for you then i got you, but then you left and i asked god why? and he said sorry...they didnt ask for you" i believe in that too. so thanks once again tami. if you wanna talk or have anything to say relating to this message then just gimme a call...goodbye tami. hope you're happy. take care pigglet.....

DONE....

She cheated on me.....That's basically all I have to say....I'm speechless....but hey....I knew it was coming right? And I still stuck around for it...My decision, but not my fault. I deserve better and I'm gonna do and get better. She don't deserve my heart or what I have to offer. She's outta my system... Not even trippin bout it. What goes around comes around she'll learn that soon enough. Payback and Karma comes back harder and it's a bitch. Moving on.....Holla at me...Goodbye for now....untill the next chapter of my life....

Restless Mind....

I can't sleep at night. It's now 1:35 am and I'm still up listening to the Piano instrumental of Unfaithful by Rihanna. Sometimes I think back on the past and I wounder if I've made the right choices and the right decisions. Sometimes I get so lost and confused that I start to lose my way and a smoke is the only way I can recollect myself and all the pieces and fit them together into one puzzle. Still at the same time everything and every little piece is still scattered throughout the floor and sometimes I feel as if the floor was not just one space but space itself and such a large area for me to have to go search for all the right pieces. I find myself still lost, but that one smoke...it slows me down to think and calms my mind to take it in and let things sink. I feel like my thoughts are devouring me and like I'm being dragged into a black hole of empty space. A dark place. Like my soul is being taken away from me slowly by the minute and with every breathe I take and every waking second, I'm slowly losing my way and slowly losing myself. I just want everything to be ok. I just hope for everything to be alright. I don't wish for nothing to be good because good things always come to an end. But I can handle it if it was just alright. I went across notes and messages left from her. The way she wrote it, it had so much meaning. It was just a couple months ago. How much she missed me and how much she loved me. Poems and such and she was like...basically everywhere. There everyday. Now...It seems as if things have change. Maybe that's just how it is. In the beginning of every relationship it always seems so promising and good. Like nothing else even comes close. You guys cant get enough of each other. Everyday you just want to spend it with that person. The whole day. And then the whole night. Hours at a time on the phone. Never bored or even arguing. It all seems like you guys will be with one another forever. But things change as time passes. It's like...fights come out of no where. Actions aren't well thought of. Like you don't care about the other person as much no more. Is it because you know they'll always be there? Is it because you're tired of that person? Is it because you just don't care about the relationship no more? I don't know what it is. And I don't think I ever will. It's just confusing to me. And every time I try to think of answers it drives me insane and I end up here. Lost with no answers. She used to claim her love so big for me. She used to always try so hard to get my attention and just to hear my voice. Text after text and call after call followed with a voice mail. Then it lead to messages and comments on myspace and stuff. Now...It's completely opposite. She hangs up and it seems like it's whatever to her. Like it don't matter no more. And what I don't get is that...if it don't matter no more then why won't she just leave. I'm opening up the door and offering her her freedom. Always...and why? Because it always seems that way....like she don't want to be in this relationship no more. But she won't leave. To be honest...I kind of miss the old her. How she used to be. Always on my ass 24/7. Missing me constantly and always wanting to be with me one way or another. In person...on the phone....or on the computer. Now...It's kind of whatever. She also has the nerves to change her status on her myspace from "in a relationship" to single. If that's the case then why wont she just leave? Get out of my life already. I don't really know no more, but what I do know is that I already have enough stress in my life and on my mind. I don't want to and I don't need to deal with more. I'm tired of it. I guess this is the last straw. The last line. The last drop. The last beat. I can't do it anymore. I'm done. My mind is always restless and I hate that. I hate that I can't just forget about it and move on. But I will. I have to. She's no good for me. She doesn't deserve me. I'm gone....maybe this time I won't come back....goodbye....

Thinking Back....

Im just thinking back on all the little things we did for one another. All the little gifts and words exchanged and promises we've made. I remember those long nights we had during the summer walking hand in hand and messin around with another. The love we made in the car and the love we shared on those days. I just cant believe it's really gone and there's not going to be any more of that. Im thinking back on how we used to be so loving and there was nothing wrong like...we were a perfect match and a perfect couple. We were perfect in evry way imaginable. I just wish it were the same again. I know I say Im done with her and Im going to get a move on and forget her but I cant. It's got a hold on me and honestly it's the hardest thing ever. She hasnt called me today even after reading my notes sent myspace. It seems she doesnt even care or bother no more. I dont know what to do no more. People say money makes the world go round but for me...I would give up every cent for her. She makes my world go round. For example fishing, smokes and drinking is what I love for. My pride and joy. For these past couple days I dont even want to go fishing no more nor do I feel like drinking. Some people drink to make the pain go away but I drink to feel something. People drink to lose all feelings but I drink to feel something. Im numb to tha pain and dead as can be. Im just a lost soul walking among the earth waiting for my day and my time to come. I've lost my way. I still smoke but its to relax me and help me think. Think back on reality and think about what to do next. It calms me and my mind down. But everytime I smoke it brings memories of her and I get lost and confused like...I dont even wanna live no more. My happiness is gone. My pride is gone. My life....My reason....it's all been lost. I've lost my way....to everything sensible in me and my common sense dont even make sense no more. My thoughts and my mind has been clouded and Im just hoping it will clear up one day. Hoping my days will change form cloudy and stormy nights to sunshine and lighten my way. Lighten my path. Show me the way....the way home. Honestly...I miss her. I just really wish things could be the same again. But the way she acted and the way she is acting now dont seem like they will. At the same time I wanna give up and just say fucc it to everything and do me. But Im not quiter. Im a fighter. I dont like to lose. I like to win. Is this a game to me? It's not...but I always thought I'd die fighting for her love. I knew it was gonna be a bttle and I was all in for it. She knew I was going to be a battle from day one and she thought she could win the battle....but now she gives up...It's gotten to her and too hard for her to do. And for me...Im almost done but I will fight to continue it. No matter what it is...Give me a reason to fight and I will. Give me a reason to give up and leave and I also will. That's just me. Im a complicated person. My mind and thoughts are currupted and fucked up in every way imaginable and it's like one big puzzle that doesnt fit. But only I understand why and only I can fix it. I feel like she's found another already and has slowly let go of me. I feel like she's given up. It seems that way. I think she's already in another relationship....whatever...I dont wanna think about it no more...the more I write or think...the more my mind runs off and it'll never stop. I jus got in from having a smoke but Im going to head out and have another....*sighs*....it's funny how things change so quick....It's funny how lover go to stranger just like that but from strangers to lovers...it takes it's time. I just....wish things could be the same again....

Next Move...?

I'm surprised she didn't call back. I think she is really done with me. Or maybe just found another nigga and is now happy off with him. Usually when we break up she doesnt go deleting and editing stuff on myspace or whatevers but this time she did. I also sent her 2 messages on myspace and she read it but didnt bother to respond to it. I guess her love for me was really just bs huh? So much for loving me right? But I sent her message saying something like....if she ever wanted to get back with me or if it ever came to her mind and she wanted to tell she better be sure of it. She already knows how and who I am and if she is ok with it then go ahead and do so. But I also told her that if she even thinks about making that attempt to be in it with me again....the rules still apply. No nigga what so ever in any way. Last time we broke up but it was kinda somehting like a break for a month and half or something. She told me how there could never be no other and she is gonna try day and night to get me back. Never gonna give up. She still had her phone then too. But then for awhile of me not talking to her and ignoring her...she gave up. Then started immediatley flirting and messin with niggas. I mean...to the point where they wanna kiss. That's fuccin one and a half month. Someone who claims such deep love for another can really bounce back huh? in a couple weeks right? Sike... Never seen that before. So that made me wounder...The love she claimed for me...was it even real? Her actions dont seem like it. Me? I didnt do anything and there was no flirting. She was still the only one on my mind. But her...whatevers...you get it. So this time....let's say its another "break" in a way...i kinda told her but didnt make it clear and said if she didnt understand she should ask me cuz I dont want another dumb answer....and if she dont and wont even consider us again then jus forget it and goodbye....she read it and didnt reply...what does that mean? It just kinda came into mind right now as I was typing. Maybe she dont love me like she said she did or do...Now....I've come to reality and realization...forget it...My next move....Is for her to decide. Lead the way...and call me if you read this. Or...yeah... out to have a smoke and try to knocc myself the fucc out.

Head Strong...

Im done with it. Broke up with her and we argued a bit then she decides to hang up. I think it's a stupid decision but, what's new? She can't even function right to save her life. Always makes those kind of decisions anyways. All I know is...She better not decide to call back. Probrably won't anyways...I feel like she can't wait to leave anyways. Go fuck around and mess around. I've WASTED soo much time and energy on her it's not even funny. Almost one year. ALmost 11 months to be exact. but whatever...her choice and her decision. She chose for it to be this way. She chose her own actions. In a way...She wanted this break up. Cuz she knew she would lose me if she did anything stupid ever again. But time after time she does it and time after time I repeat myself to her and I'm just done with it. But it seems like she dont understand. Never met anyone as pathetic and dumb as her. Well...Im going to keep my head up and look forward to bigger and better things in life. She dont deserve half of what I have to offer to her and I can honestly say...She will NEVER find anyone else as good as me. Because if she do she will only drive them away. And I can say I'm better because I actually stuck around shitt after shitt...good luck to her on everything. She's going to need it. Im outs....and Keeping my Head Strong...

Answers to my Questions....

So today I saw my cousin and his soon to be wife Jenny. We were havin a beer and a smoke and just talking. She noticed my promise ring was no longer on my gold chain around my kneck and she asked me about it. I told her about the whole prom thing and told her I didnt know what to do or say no more. I mean...Im just about done with it. And she agreed with me on the situation. No girl in her right mind would do such a stupid thing? How the hell are you going to have someone dance with you when you have a boyfriend? And to start off with...How the hell are you going to say yes to go to prom with him before asking me...your boyfriend. I didnt even say anything but explain the story and situation to her. No questions asked at all and she just came out saying those things. So i guess I am right and the way I acted wasnt wrong. I have a legit reason to be and feel this way.....Now...I dont know what to do no more...I'm already feeling like I've lost her and that we're drifting apart. My feelings for her are slowly dying and soon....if she doesnt do anything to keep it in tact or to help it grow....it'll be dead....I leave it in her hands....I've got the answers to some of my questions...out to have a smoke...andthen lights out tonight. Not waiting no more....

Wierd...

I was up all night last night untill 4 in the morning. Tried to to take my mind off of her so I played mahjong online for the whole time. It kept my mind occupied. But right now it's now 3:15 in the afternoon and yet no call from her. Its wierd because on weekends her brother and her sister usually goes to store and leaves her home alone to babysit. That's when she finds time to call me. And that happens every weekend. Yesterday they did her niece's birthday so it was alright and ok. But today? Odd. I'm not going to lie. I thought about it...and...yeah...made me go have a smoke. I dont know what's up or what the deal is. I dont know if I can fully believe her. I dont know if I can fully trust her. I dont even know if we're gonna work out no more. I used to be so positive and sure that we would work out. Because I love her. And when you love someone...You make it work out. Through thick and thin, good times and bad. But the thing is...over it all, things should be looking up in a way. Even when you fight you make up and things should be a little better then it was before. For example we on good terms and it's at 50% but then we argue and it goes to 40% but then we find a solution and what not to do and it should be up to 60%. Get what I mean? The arguments and fights are supposed to make you stronger. Make us stronger. But it's not. We go the opposite or just hit that "50%" again. Not that 60%. Love her...But I just cant take it anymore. I keep on sayingg last lines and straws for her but I never keep my word. Its cuz I love her and I want us to work out. But the more she pushes the further I go. One day.....I might just be gone...It's funny how things change....it's wierd how we fight for nothing in return.....

Just So Happens...

Last night I waited all night and she never called. I kind of fell asleep waiting for her at 6 in the morning. The phone never rang. Not once. She called me today and we talked for a bit. Said her brother found the laptop while she was in the shower and when she got out they called her downstairs and asked her about it. Then one minute later after I asked her a question she tried to repeat herself, but then said her other brother took it. He so happened to be in her room. I caught it and noticed the story changed, but I didnt say anything. Aint it just wierd how she planned to go to prom with that guy, I found out, then her laptop is taken away? By the way...that's how she calls me. From the laptop. But yeah...it came to my mind without thinking or hesitation. Like common sense. The prom is in 2 fridays. About 3 weeks from our one year. And out of no where her laptop is suddenly gone? She cant talk or contact me at night. Only on weekdays when she gets home untill close to 6pm then she gotta go because her brother is coming home. Prom is on friday. Weekday. And prom is at night....after 6pm. So does that look a little wired? I dont mean to accuse and say nothing much, but these are my thoughts. And I have these thoughts because of our history. I have my reasons and she understands it. To make things short...she's lost my trust a while back and she is slowly regaining it. I didnt say much to her today and in fact she was only able to be on the phone for about 5 minutes. Didnt say much cuz I dont know what to say or do anymore. I feel like I try and try so hard and I give her so many chances and I'm also very patient with her to get her act together. If you know me...Im not a very patient person. But with her...I dont know...I just kinda am. I think she's just starting to get to me and Im just about close to being done. What am I to do? Again tonight....my mind is gonna be restless and im not going to be able to sleep. Might jus play another instrumental and come write another blog. *sighs*....I miss her though. Truly and honestly do. I miss her alot. And I just wish she could give me her whole heart and not think twice or look in any other direction. I wish she loved me as much as I do for her. It just so happens....love sucks....

I Need Her...

It's now almost 5am and Im still up waiting on her. I find it hard to sleep without her voice. We usually fall asleep on the phone together, but tonight she is no where to be found. Again...Im just listening to an instrumental and thinking about her. Now Im here writing this blog, listening to my instrumental, and still...thinking about her. *sighs* There are many things wrong about me and her and our relationship. There are also many things right about me and her and our relationship. The other night I found out she planned to go to prom with a guy from her school. They "used" to flirt and one day he came to her house and asked her to prom. She said yes. I found out and we argued for hours last night. Is it alright for her to go to prom with someone else? To have them hold one another and dance? To have her in his arms? In my place? Is it ok for her to flirt with another guy to start off with? Or am I just being too much off an asshole and over reacting? She told me she wouldnt do anything wrong ever again and nothing I wouldnt like, but then... she does it anyways. I dont know why. I asked her if I came into her mind when the question was asked and she yes. I asked her if she knew I would be upset about it and she said yes. I asked her if she was wrong and she said yes. I asked her if she knew it was wrong then why'd she do it and if she knew I wouldnt like it then why would she say yes....and she didnt answer. She had no answer. Now, I dont get it. I told her if she wanted to break up and go be with someone else then she could. But she said no. She cries everytime we break up and begs of me to stay but her actions dont say the same. I dont get it. Not to point fingers, but most of the time when we break up is because of some stupid thing that she decides to do. And most or all of her reasons for her actions are plain stupid. "I dont know why, I felt like it , it was a humanly instinct." Come on now...really? It dont answer and explain anything in my point of view. I love her and her personality. I wouldnt trade it for anything or anyone else in this whole wide world. I would die with her in this life and the next holding her in my arms and not having it any other way. Her eyes are the eyes for me to gaze into and lose all sense of feeling and emotion and reality. She is my hope, my pride, my joy, my faith, my girl, my love, my everything, my world, and my wife. I treat her like she is all those to me and more. Sometimes I may yell or get mad and be an ass but its only at times. It still doesnt affect her meaning to me. She's my everything. And no one is put above her. Tonight... I dont know where she is at and I havent talked to her all day. Honestly...I miss her alot. I miss her voice. And I miss her laughter. That's just the beggining. The touch of her soft lips brushing against mine and her tiny little hands fitting perfectly in mine. Let's not leave out the warmth of her in my arms as she holds on to me so tight. Im sleepless and my mind is restless tonight. Last night I told her that I would never need anyone in my whole entire life. Not even my parents or family or friends. I will never need anyone, including her. Because when you need someone or something, you will go out of your way to have it. When you need someone, you will allow them to step over you, treat you wrong, and do you wrong. In the end you always forgive them and still love them and take them back in your life. Why? Because you need that someone. Im a very difficult person and I dont. It's a pleasure for you to have me be apart of your life not for you to be in mine. But tonight as I sat outside and had a smoke, I realized something. I need her. I've come to realize I have forgiven her for all her wrong doings. I have taken her back into my life. And I cant sleep without her. I need her. I need my baby. *sighs*...I just miss her so much...it's starting to get to me. Im not even going to go to sleep tonight. Not untill I hear her voice. Not untill I know she's there....Because....I NEED HER.

Finding Myself

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, wash my face, look in the mirror, and wounder....Who am I? And sometimes I sit on the porch and have a smoke to wounder...does anybody else feel the same as me or do they wounder what I wounder? Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Everyday im here trying to search for myself and who I am. I am Kevin. That's how it starts and that's ho it ends. Sometimes I wounder what the purpose of life is for. Why are we even here. I already know that the biggest oponent and competition in life is youself. I already know that the only real promise in life is death. I already know that only you can make something out of yourself. And I know for a fact that finding yourself is the hardest thing to do. To be able to define and find yourself. All the facts. I'm sitting here listening to instrumentals and it makes me think. About life....family...relationships...future....and past. Not many people may think about it or care...but I bet if they tried to....they'd be just as lost as I am right now. Maybe reality has caught up to me. Maybe my family has gotten to me. Maybe my girlfriend has gotten to me. I dont know....But I do know....I've gotten to myself. The things I say or do. The things I want and need. Its come to me now. Slowly and very confusing but it's getting there. I just wish there'd be a great big book with all the answers. Im in need of one. Dont we all need one? We all see the future and have some sort of answers on how to get there. But what we lack is the answer on how to really get there. What steps to take and what moves to make. For example...We all see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or the big and complete picture of our future life or what we want. But we dont know what to do after we pick up the brush. Do I paint the house first? What color should I use? Or should I paint the sky first? Is this even the right brush to use? Do you get what I mean? We see it there but dont really know how to get there. Everyone has dreams and hope and faith. It's what keeps us gong when all else fails. But how do we actually get there. It's for us to find out and determine. Nothing is ever how it seems. I'm still trying to find myself each ad everyday. Become more than I already am. Obtain and finally have the whole picture painted. When will that be? Who am I still? And by then will I know who I am?

Losing My Way...

I...Don't know what to do no more. I mean...I love my girl. She is smart, cute, pretty funny, gorgeous, adorable, different in her own way, hard headed, stubborn, tough, but soft and just about the complete package. But sometimes... We feel distant or... I feel distant from her. Like... Sometimes when we talk on the phone, well... Most of the time when we're on the phone, it's usuallly me does most of the talking. I do about 80% of the talking. And when I ask her questions to get her to talk it's always short answers andthen... yeah...that's basically it. Just a short answer then nothing. Sometimes I talk and talk to fill the "awkward" silence and then when I shut up to see if she'll fill in the silence...it gets even more wierd. I don't think much about it, but whenever I do get to thinking about it...I'm just like "damn, we shouldn't even be having no silent moments" you know? And the only way she fills up the silence is by asking a question she's already asked in the beginning of the conversation already or by giving me a kiss or by saying I love you. And if I just respond and dont say something to start up another conversation...then it repeats like that untill we hang up or I start being an asshole and mess around with her. Other than that... then it's mostly just me talking. I mean...even with me talking...I should atleast get an opinion or thought or some kind of comment or response, you know? All I get is a "damn, really, wow, and a what the fuck". In a conversation between me and her... I say about 1000 words and she'll say about 150-200. That's no joke. It's not like I just run my mouth and don't let her talk...I do let her talk. I tell her I want her to. But she just doesnt. Why am I with her? Because I love her. Even though in a relationship you're supposed to meet half way at 50/50 or somewhat close to that...with me and her it's 80/20. With words, feelings, affection and everything else. Atleast...I feel that way. I dont know about her because she hardly shows anything at all. I love her enough to give that extra 30% just so we are complete. And why do I love her? I love this girl because she changes me. She doesnt really motivate me, but in way she does. I do everything with her in mind. Sometimes...or alot of times...I just let things slide or tell myself she's still young and is still growing. But whenever I think about the future, I see her in it. I want to do it all for her. To get her the things she deserves and the life she deserves. A good one. The best one. But now I look at us from outside the picture and I see us. Me and her. And when I think about it, hidden thoughts in the back of my mind seem to appear and take process. Why am I really with her? How did we even end up together? Why did I chose her? Why and how does she affect me? Why do I want to grow old with her? And with all these questions...it's sad to say...there aint a single answer. I can bullshit an answer like..."because she's the one or because I love her". But if you want to complicate things and ask why? I wouldnt really be able to answer it. I want to be with her and make everything work out. When you love someone...You make it work out. And I love her. I do. If not...I would've been long gone last year. These thoughts are crowding and clouding up my mind. It feels like my vision has been blurred. Like, my mind has been over worked and the gears have rusted and fallen apart. Im no longer functioning correctly. I'm simply just....losing my way......

Always Here For You...

Have you ever told anyone that? That you'll always be there for them? No matter what? And if so, who? And did you or..were you...always there for them? Well I have. I've told someone that before. Said I would always be there for them through thick and thin no matter what happens. And I mean it. I mean... I'm a man of my words and if I say something that I'm serious about, I will hold on to it. And I would expect you to too. Now, I know that that is a really big promise to hold on to and I know it would be hard to rely or be able to trust someone that much, but... you can't just immediatley say no and not give it a chance. Because it might just happen and you might just've lost that chance. Well...I told someone that a while back before. No names but I will refer to that person as "MENTHOL" and why that name? Because I love my METHOLS haha. Anyways...(clears throat) back to the story. I told Menthol that I'd always be there for them. Menthol at first was unsure of how to answer but after a couple seconds Menthol did. Menthol knows how much I feel about em but Menthol was still unsure and not certain to the fact on my word. I mean...I made many promises to Menthol before and I've never broken a single one before, so that kind of made me like..."wtf"? But I'm very understandable and I kind of sort of was like...eh, ok. Haha. But then everything turned around for Menthol and shit just went bad. Everybody scattered like Godzilla had rose from the waters of the ocean or something. Like King Kong broke out his monkey cage and went Donkey Kong. In other words...Menthol was like Godzilla of Japan and like King Kong for New York. Everybody ran away and tried to leave em alone. But me, I stuck around. I told Menthol that I would not leave. That I would ride and die by Menthol's side. To me... Menthol was like "yeah, ok. Thank you for being there and not bailing like everyone else" Yeah, that was alright and whatevers, but then I go to find out Menthol is claiming to be alone and have absolutely NOONE in Menthol's life. Clearly stated in writing mor ethan once did I come accross that Menthol claims to have "no" friends, family, or significant other. Now...Did I not tell Menthol and promise Menthol I would always be there? No matter what? Through thick and thin? Did I not? And aren't I still here? Have I left? Have I ever gone back on my words? NO! I have not. It "might" be alright for Menthol to feel that way. But keep i to yourself. I mean... Maybe I'm just trippin about it and getting all butt hurt over nothing, but...I mean...wtf? Do you not see what I'm doing? What you mean to me? How much you mean to me? My love for your dumbass? Do you not believe it? If so, why not? Sometimes...I feel like fine...you want to be alone then go be alone. You're seeing yourself as if you are anyways. Go be alone. Yeah, I know I'm an asshole and that aint the thing to say or do but I'm just like "aaaahhhh". Seems like what I'm offering isn't being seen or felt or appreciated. But Im a humble person and a relaxed person and I dont care. Haha. I'm complicated. Even if it is or not appreciated, I have been and will continue on doing what I do. Because it is my word and my word is good. I'm going to continue on being there for Menthol no matter what.



I hated using Menthol as the replacement name. I couldnt use he or she because that would hint it and who the person could or might be. Haha, it sounded wack but whatever. Bottom line is...Don't make promises you cant keep. Promise less and just do. I'm always here for you. Point Blank. Time for a Menthol HAHAH

knuckle up or shut up

Alright, today I went to the liquor store to get some smokes right? I came out and had a smoke. I leaned on the hood of my car and smoked when I heard some fools talking around the corner. I heard one of theguys call the other guy a certain name. I thought it was someone I knew. So I walked over there and was like "who the fuck are you"? I know it wasn't the right way to approach him, but I though the was someone that I wanted to beat. He replied back with attitude and said "who the fuck are you and that's none of your business". And so on... So I was like "so whats your name again"? And he sad it was Tuan. I thouhgt it was the fool who messed with my girl awhile back, but then I remembered he lived in Eastside so therefore wtf would he be doing here in my neighborhood? Right? So I threw my smoke aside and turned around and he thought he could talk shit and be hard while his homeboy was there. I honestly couldnt care. So as I turned around he told his boy that I was a punk ass bitch. Now me...Dont challenge my manhood because I know damn well I aint no punk or no bitch. So I turned around and was like "come again"? and I took off my jacket and he thought they'd do two on one. WE started swinging left and right then his boy came in and knocked me on my ass. I hopped right back up and backed up against the wall swinging at both of them. I knocked his boy down off the curb and i guess he tripped so I rushed foward ad kicked him dead in his face. Then that Tuan guy came rushing at me and in drove a car. I rushed him back to the car and he kinda threw himsefl ontp the hood of the car a I pounded on him repeatedly. I missed a couple times and hit the hood of the car and the lady came out threatening to call the police. So I got off of him and grabbed my jacket and went to my car and went home. Now Im sitting here with my right eye all swollen up and it hurts to blink. I iced it with some frozen bacon and my girl sat there lookin at me and just laughed at me. It's close to being swollen shut and I got a bit of green under my eye. But I dont give a shitt. I won.



I hate fools who act hard and talk shit only when they got people around. Basically like a show off. And I hate people who talk shit but dont do nothing and people who talk bt dont walk. So I got words for you fools who think you're this and that and talk smack. If you dont want a confrontation and you know damn well you cant handle it... Then simply SHUT THE FUCK UP. Because one day you are going to come accross the wrong person "me" and you're going to get your ass shutted up. Be humble. Knuckle up or Shut up.

I MISS...

Today, I woke up and had a smoke. Thought about me and her for good time. I missed all those times spent with her...Late nights just chillin in the car or walking around the block hand in hand, fingers between fingers. Or just holding her in front of me and staring deep into her eyes to have her lean in and kiss me ever so gently. I miss the long nights at the beach walking the long ass pier at O.B. Again...hand in hand and fingers between fingers. Used to bump and nudge her as we walked and kiss her cheek tryna kiss up haha. I miss holding her at 4 in the morning till the sun rose to watch the sunrise at the beach with her. I remember promising her the sunrise. We were already at the beach waiting for it then I realized the sun was going to rise at the other beach so we drove around from beach to beach to find it. San Diego has many beaches haha. Then we watched the sky light up, slowly turning bright orange and red as I held her in my arms and kissed her soft lips gently brushing mine against hers and embracing her presence. Nights with her felt like time slowed down and it allowed us to spend every waking moment with one another. Many nights were like that. Always so out of this world and stress free. Reality seems to fade off into into the background and at that very moment...it seemed like nothing else in the world mattered or even existed but me ad her. Let's not forget valentines day when I got her a dozen of her favorite flowers(lillies) and her favorite chocolate(ferrero rocher) in 2 different sizes in a heart shaped box tied with a ribbon. And to top it off...a lollipop wrapped up like a rose and 11 heart shaped red balloons with one massive music playin ballon on top of it singing a love song to her. I had all those things with me at 8 in the morning and waited for her to get home at midnight just to give it to her. *sighs* The things I do huh? Haha, well....it was worth it. Just to see that adorable smile on her face and her star gazing eyes sparkle up. I miss being able to do things like that for her. I miss making her feel special and happy. I miss her point blank.

Just Me

My name is Kevin and this is my first blog. Why did i decide to start dong this? Well...Because i like writing and talking to people. And maybe some of the things i write here can help and apply to some people. Well...it's now almost 1 in the morning and I'm sitting here writing this blog. If you're woundering why, I'll tell you later, but right now I'm going to just simply talk about myself for a bit. Well...at first impression I may just seem like an asshole or just another thug out there in the world, but I'm not. I mean, I get it all the time from people i meet whether at school, on the street, a partY or whatever. I may look like one but I'm not. Looks can be decieving and what I learn is that you should never judge a book from its cover because the story inside may just be one of the best stories you'll come accross. Fact is, I'm just chill and laid back. Yes, I do smoke and I do drink. I'm just me. But one thing about me that people hardly know is that i love to write. Whether if it's just writing about random stuff, stories, life, lyrics, or poems. I love to just play an instrumental, usually slow piano and a good r&b type of beat and just write away. It's a good stress reliever. I'm very understanding and very calm but when I have to I can get loud and you know...flip everything inside out. People always say I can either be your best frind or your worst and I agree. Hey, I get along with everyone well so if there is a problem then it's you and not me. Now, that's just one side of me and how I am. Now let's talk about relationhip.



Ok.....Ok....I'm a sucker for love. I'll admit it. I can be an asshole at times or...just about half or more of it, but most of it is just because I like to mess around and joke that's all. I like to play fight, nudge and make jokes, but right after...I'm kissing ass haha. They always tell me that I'm a good listener, always there, got a good sense of humor, caring, and what not. I'm not saying much more, but it's for you to find out what kind of person I am. Am I in a reationship? Yes, I am. Have been for about 10 months now. And that is the reason why I'm still up at 1 in the morning. Not because I'm talking to her, but becaue I'm thinking about her and I just can't sleep. Because you see... It's just complicated between me and her.



We're like the modern day romeo and juliet. No joke. Everyhing is just against us and don't get me wrong; I love the fuck out of this girl. Unconditionally. To start off, I'm going to start with her side and story. Her family is Vietnamese and I'm Hmong. Now, they dont get along "supposedly" and her parents "forbid"" her to be with me. Not just that, she got set to kentucky to go stay with her brother. Now she's no longer here in san diego, but we're still working things through. They took her phone away, no chats to talk to me through and so she has to work her ass off to find ways to communicate with me. Her brothers hate me, all 3 of them and they want to beat my ass, but they never come around to doing that because of whom I am. But anyways, to the point to make it short. Her family basically crossed her out of the family picture and said she betrayed her family and so on. She was sent to sleep in the basement and everything. This started because of a $400 phone bill a week ago or somthing. I guss you can say it was caused by me? I offered to pay, but she said no. Now...When I look at things, I love her too much to see her suffer and go through shitt like that. Because of me they treat her that way. Because of me her life is left alone in the dark. I don't want that life and that struggle for her because I went through it and I know how it is. Never depending on noone and never taking a helping hand even if it was offered and just being INDEPENENT. It was hard for me and I don't want to see her go through the same situation. So I told her I was going to do what's right and let her go. It was for the better. For her happiness. Yes I know she wouldn't be happy losing me, but overall...family do come first and I respect that. I would never come in between. So, I've been sitting here thinking, not being able to sleep, and just having a smoke once in awhile, just to get things to a solution and draw everything up to one final conclusion. But it's like...one giant puzzle in my head that I can't put together because I dont really know what to do, how to act, and how to feel. I love the girl and I want to do what's right. But is it right for me to just up and leave? Is it right for me to make our relationship work "no matter what"? So, what is RIGHT?