Restless Mind....

I can't sleep at night. It's now 1:35 am and I'm still up listening to the Piano instrumental of Unfaithful by Rihanna. Sometimes I think back on the past and I wounder if I've made the right choices and the right decisions. Sometimes I get so lost and confused that I start to lose my way and a smoke is the only way I can recollect myself and all the pieces and fit them together into one puzzle. Still at the same time everything and every little piece is still scattered throughout the floor and sometimes I feel as if the floor was not just one space but space itself and such a large area for me to have to go search for all the right pieces. I find myself still lost, but that one smoke...it slows me down to think and calms my mind to take it in and let things sink. I feel like my thoughts are devouring me and like I'm being dragged into a black hole of empty space. A dark place. Like my soul is being taken away from me slowly by the minute and with every breathe I take and every waking second, I'm slowly losing my way and slowly losing myself. I just want everything to be ok. I just hope for everything to be alright. I don't wish for nothing to be good because good things always come to an end. But I can handle it if it was just alright. I went across notes and messages left from her. The way she wrote it, it had so much meaning. It was just a couple months ago. How much she missed me and how much she loved me. Poems and such and she was like...basically everywhere. There everyday. Now...It seems as if things have change. Maybe that's just how it is. In the beginning of every relationship it always seems so promising and good. Like nothing else even comes close. You guys cant get enough of each other. Everyday you just want to spend it with that person. The whole day. And then the whole night. Hours at a time on the phone. Never bored or even arguing. It all seems like you guys will be with one another forever. But things change as time passes. It's like...fights come out of no where. Actions aren't well thought of. Like you don't care about the other person as much no more. Is it because you know they'll always be there? Is it because you're tired of that person? Is it because you just don't care about the relationship no more? I don't know what it is. And I don't think I ever will. It's just confusing to me. And every time I try to think of answers it drives me insane and I end up here. Lost with no answers. She used to claim her love so big for me. She used to always try so hard to get my attention and just to hear my voice. Text after text and call after call followed with a voice mail. Then it lead to messages and comments on myspace and stuff. Now...It's completely opposite. She hangs up and it seems like it's whatever to her. Like it don't matter no more. And what I don't get is that...if it don't matter no more then why won't she just leave. I'm opening up the door and offering her her freedom. Always...and why? Because it always seems that way....like she don't want to be in this relationship no more. But she won't leave. To be honest...I kind of miss the old her. How she used to be. Always on my ass 24/7. Missing me constantly and always wanting to be with me one way or another. In person...on the phone....or on the computer. Now...It's kind of whatever. She also has the nerves to change her status on her myspace from "in a relationship" to single. If that's the case then why wont she just leave? Get out of my life already. I don't really know no more, but what I do know is that I already have enough stress in my life and on my mind. I don't want to and I don't need to deal with more. I'm tired of it. I guess this is the last straw. The last line. The last drop. The last beat. I can't do it anymore. I'm done. My mind is always restless and I hate that. I hate that I can't just forget about it and move on. But I will. I have to. She's no good for me. She doesn't deserve me. I'm gone....maybe this time I won't come back....goodbye....