Thinking Back....

Im just thinking back on all the little things we did for one another. All the little gifts and words exchanged and promises we've made. I remember those long nights we had during the summer walking hand in hand and messin around with another. The love we made in the car and the love we shared on those days. I just cant believe it's really gone and there's not going to be any more of that. Im thinking back on how we used to be so loving and there was nothing wrong like...we were a perfect match and a perfect couple. We were perfect in evry way imaginable. I just wish it were the same again. I know I say Im done with her and Im going to get a move on and forget her but I cant. It's got a hold on me and honestly it's the hardest thing ever. She hasnt called me today even after reading my notes sent myspace. It seems she doesnt even care or bother no more. I dont know what to do no more. People say money makes the world go round but for me...I would give up every cent for her. She makes my world go round. For example fishing, smokes and drinking is what I love for. My pride and joy. For these past couple days I dont even want to go fishing no more nor do I feel like drinking. Some people drink to make the pain go away but I drink to feel something. People drink to lose all feelings but I drink to feel something. Im numb to tha pain and dead as can be. Im just a lost soul walking among the earth waiting for my day and my time to come. I've lost my way. I still smoke but its to relax me and help me think. Think back on reality and think about what to do next. It calms me and my mind down. But everytime I smoke it brings memories of her and I get lost and confused like...I dont even wanna live no more. My happiness is gone. My pride is gone. My life....My reason....it's all been lost. I've lost my way....to everything sensible in me and my common sense dont even make sense no more. My thoughts and my mind has been clouded and Im just hoping it will clear up one day. Hoping my days will change form cloudy and stormy nights to sunshine and lighten my way. Lighten my path. Show me the way....the way home. Honestly...I miss her. I just really wish things could be the same again. But the way she acted and the way she is acting now dont seem like they will. At the same time I wanna give up and just say fucc it to everything and do me. But Im not quiter. Im a fighter. I dont like to lose. I like to win. Is this a game to me? It's not...but I always thought I'd die fighting for her love. I knew it was gonna be a bttle and I was all in for it. She knew I was going to be a battle from day one and she thought she could win the battle....but now she gives up...It's gotten to her and too hard for her to do. And for me...Im almost done but I will fight to continue it. No matter what it is...Give me a reason to fight and I will. Give me a reason to give up and leave and I also will. That's just me. Im a complicated person. My mind and thoughts are currupted and fucked up in every way imaginable and it's like one big puzzle that doesnt fit. But only I understand why and only I can fix it. I feel like she's found another already and has slowly let go of me. I feel like she's given up. It seems that way. I think she's already in another relationship....whatever...I dont wanna think about it no more...the more I write or think...the more my mind runs off and it'll never stop. I jus got in from having a smoke but Im going to head out and have another....*sighs*....it's funny how things change so quick....It's funny how lover go to stranger just like that but from strangers to lovers...it takes it's time. I just....wish things could be the same again....