Got To Thinking.....

None of this even matters no more, but it's just a thought. I just got to thinking while listening to an instrumental and just here writing it out. Well... If someone loves you... Aren't they supposed to do the right things and not the wrong things? Aren't supposed to make you happy and not sad? Aren't they supposed to do things to keep you guys together and not do things to make you guys fall apart? That's what people do when they love someone. Well...part of it at least. I mean... If you don't wanna lose that someone then why do you do things to lose him/her? Especially if you know it's going to cause you two to part and especially if you know that he/she is going to find out. Then is it on purpose? And to have such a "huge" love for someone and do that to them? I mean...Why beg and cry and go suicidal to get him/her back just to get rid of what you guys shared on your own? Wouldn't it be easier to just say ok and let them walk away when they already are? But things are complicated when that person drags them back into the relationship just to ruin it. And especially to do it over and over again. I think it's just pathetic. I think it's dumb. You're either in or your out. If you want out then leave. If you want in then stay. It's weird and confusing to me. Do you understand it? Maybe they don't know what they want. But at times they are so sure and positive to the fact of what they want. Weird once again. But if you love someone and need someone that much to the point of life then when you lose them aren't you supposed to wait a lifetime for them? Fight for them every single day no matter what? Sun or rain? What ever happened to going to hell and back for someone? Or even sitting on their front porch and refusing to leave? Or none stop annoying phone calls and emails? Or things like holding on to their arm and or leg and refusing them to walk away? What happened to the love? Maybe it only happens in movies. That's true love and determination. Well...at least I can say I had mine. She fought for me and cried every single day and night just to win me back. She truly loved me but I did her wrong. Didn't know what I had till I lost it. She got married. It's funny how things change within a blink of an eye. It's funny how people lie their asses off to everyone. Especially me if you're trying to take me for a fool. Telling me you want a last chance and you finally realized it and you apologize and you need me and you wont ever do me wrong again and you do truly love me. HA! That's bullshit to the extreme. If you did then you would still be fighting for me. If you did then you would be trying to get things back. If you did then you would still be around. If you did then you would of never left. If you did then you would of never did me wrong in the beginning to start off with. But the truth to the fact is that you DON'T! You don't give a shit about me or anything. That's why I'm perfectly fine. Because it was never anything between one another. It was a lie. All of it. Every word, promise, kiss, and gift. At least my half was legit. This is nothin' though....I just got to thinking....Gonna go have me a smoke now. Until next time.

Lyrical....

It's funny how things change. One second your happy, before you know it you're heart broken, then when you think the world has finally collapsed on you, everything turns around and it's better then how it was before. I've been lyrical and music to me has been common sense. Ever since I've lost my way and found it I've never been common since. Stuck out throughout the crowds like I'm shining, like the attentions were drawn to me because like a baby I was whining. But I simply wasn't. I was just being me and doing my thing. Maybe because I feel brand new and I'm glowing in a way. But this feeling I feel, I love the new me and I aint throwing it away. I always gotta marathon running in my head, it's a clock work, it's a masterpiece. I can always dream without a bed, keep my gears working, and try to find the peace. A piece of mind is my battery to function and the other double A is my heart to keep the things pumping. It's pushing these lyrical thoughts out of my mind and these feelings I hold in my heart onto the paper of which I'm writing my lines and I'm just tearing it apart. Not the paper but these words I'm tearing it up. Like I'm spilling out my emotions and I'm just tearing it up. But my eyes are dry, my heart and mind is soaking wet. It's constantly running so I think it may be the sweat, but I aint done yet because this is the mind of me, so lyrically, fatal in a way and at times Im afraid it may over heat, so I try to control my heart and try to tame it's beat, but it wont kick up it's feet or even consider having a seat. So I let my mind and my heart run wild without any limitations because why bother when the sky is the limit. Im just striving to the top and it's got every temptation to make me wanna get all up in it and live it. I'm just in a lyrical mind state, this is what I call home and I'm planning to stay. Being lyrical there are no lights out, but for this blogg im bouncin' out. Untill next time. Gonna go write music now because all the things I said in this blogg was from my head just now and I wanna use it haha. Don't steal thieves =D

Story of a Champion...

"Lose one, let go to get one. Left one, lose some to win some (You lost one). Story of a champion, sorry I'm a champion. You lost one." I was, am, and will always be a champion because no matter what the situation or the outcome I wont lose anything. I'll give it my best and to me...that's my pride and what I had to offer. I will never lose because losing to something and anything is losing to yourself. If you think of it in a different way then you didnt lose anything at all. All the things that happen, happen for a reason. They happen because of our actions. I dont believe in fate, destiny and all that other crap. It wasnt fate that this and that happen and it was destiny that determined our outcomes. We choose our own paths and destiny. We open our own doors and walk down our own roads. If we want to turn around and go back then we could. Nothing is just set to happen. Our actions are our choices and they the things that set things in motion. I didnt lose to you, I didnt lose to him, I didnt lose to her, and Im sure as hell aint going to lose to myself. You are your own biggest opponent in life. The biggest enemy you have in life is yourself. Its your thoughts and you mind that sets you to do things. If your heart is strong and your able to fight it off then you've accomplished defeating yourself. That's when you can define yourself and really find yourself and know who you are and your purpose in life. I'm sorry but there arent many champions. I guess you're not a champion. Nobody is perfect but they can always strive to be as close to perfect as possible. That's what counts. Life aint about where you are, how you are and what's on the other side of the mountain. It's the climb that's interesting and important. Because if you learned nothing from the climb...when you get to the other side you're going to be stuck again and caught doing the same things over and over. Like....what now? It's the climb that's going to be told around the camp fire and during story time. It's always about how you got there. Not where you are. Because it dont mean shitt if you dont know how you got there; where you are wouldnt even matter. If you gave it your all and picked up the pieces along the way then your sure as hell going to get somewhere in life. But if you just ignore everything and skip to the top the view aint going to be worth it. The climb makes the view great. My scene is amazing. With that...I'll be proud to say....I've made it! Story of a Champion....

Love & Relationships

you know? i thought about it alot and for a very long time. dont get me wrong. im not yelling. im simply jus talking regularly. well....in relationships and love there are many things. first and most importantly love. but there are also important things too like....honesty, loyalty, respect, and so on. in a relationship no one should wear the pants or be the boss because both should compromise and that's how relationships work out. you both have to put in your half and see eye to eye. understand one another. when you argue with him/her you're supposed to talk and not yell and be grown ups about the situation. listen and not just hear. but really listen and dont cut off. and if you do then apologize and make things better. and when one talks the other listens and pays attention. dont get all mad about it because its childish. you may get mad but please just state or address the problem or what they said wrong and continue the conversation. it should never have to be a big mess. compromise and understand one another. you have to understand that in a relationship there'e always going to be fights, pains and tears. everyone goes through with it even married couples. but the thing that counts is not how much they spend thier time adoring you or telling you they love you but actually sticking around after the fights. you may fight and one may leave the room or hang up or watever. but the next day you guys are cooled down and talk about it and work things out. that's love. marylin monroe said " if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best" I truly do believe in that. because it relates to what i just said. one person may be on thier period for a time and be grumpy but the guy should never trip and tell her to fuck off...and the when the guy has had a rough day the girl shouldnt make it worse and tell him to man up but she should understand and make things better. or even just give him space. everyone has feelings and everyone carries a heart. everyone needs a shoulder once in a while and everyone wants to be loved. no one in the world doesnt care for love. that's why people try to fit in and be fake. to fit in and feel accepted and loved. that's why there are posers and such. because of that. they just want love. love....you cant live without it and you cant live with it. but its better to have loved then to not have loved. people chose thier own paths and write thier own destinies. they are never forced or lead to it. people make thier actions and it sets things in motion. in a relationship....both have to meet on common grounds and be on the same page. it takes two hearts to fill a relationship.

now...that was just a little info and my take on relationships and love. that's how i think its supposed to be. shitt just dont happen for a reason. it happens for a reason. now....i understand you made your decisions and you made them clear. you knew your consequences and the outcome and you still did it. you take full responsibilty for your actions. they were you're choices. no excuses and things like i dont know what i was thinking or i was caught in the moment. because no...you allowed yourself to be. and thinking back on what you said in your message it sounds to me like you're ready to be done. you say you're not but it sounds and seems like you are. you dont call back after i said bye and hung up. you didnt message me. you didnt apologize or try to fix things untill i sent you a message. and the thing that got to me was you saying "whoever you're going to marry" i dont know if you're gonna spend your whole lifetime or even a fraction of it tryna be good and prove me wrong and show me you love me to win me back. i dont know if you're just going to give up and walk away. you say one thing then another. you do one thing then another. so i honestly dont know. you always tell me no matter what leaving is not and will never be an option and you WILL make it work. but then you sent me a message saying you dont wanna be with me. not now. it sounds like im not gonna be the one standing next to you in the church. but its ok. i've finally understand and i respect your decisions. you can fight if you want and try to win me back or you can leave and do your own thing. but its your choice and you're decision. i just hope you dont expect me to wait around and wait for you because i wont. im ready to move on and get my life together. all the dreams i tell you....of my house and my kids and my cars and everything.....those are my dreams and i wanna make it come true. i am going to make it come true. im hungry for it. im striving for success. im not going to mope around in the past spending my time hating someone for no reason. it's not gonna make me any better or help me. its just gonna make me grow older and more bitter. make me more angry and unhappy. i dont wanna be angry no more. i dont wanna be sad no more. i dont wanna be negative no more. i dont wanna be sounding all emo and hating life no more. im going to live it to the fullest and love all that i can and laugh and smile all that i can. thank you tami....you made me realize sumthin and you changed my life around in a way. even though it had to hurt to get me here but the point is....i got here. im going to be happy and enjoy life. the people that love me and wanna join me can. everyone is welcome. but the ones that dont love me and wanna share a part of my life with them then they can do whatever they want. because it's thier decision and it's thier life. so thank you. i wont be giving up on life and love no more. imma be a changed man. better than i was before. imma think postive and love life. there's more to life then this. im only gonna live this life once and im already 19 years old. almost 20. time to find my place in the world and enjoy it. that's my choice and that's how i feel. so i apologize for hurting you or even making you cry for stupid little things. i really did love you though. more than you or anyone will ever know. i just want you to be happy tami. and if your choice is that you're still young and you wanna play and have fun then go for it. i dont want you to miss a thing. i've lived my life and im onto the next chapter. this is your chapter and you're in high school. you're not ready for things and stuff i have to offer. and its ok. i was just trying to keep you outta trouble and protect you. because i loved you. but if you feel you need to make every mistake possible to be perfect then its your decision. im not gonna force you to do anything or make you choose. i just simply told you what door led to what and what door led to what and you chose the doors you wanted to open. its ok. thats what you wanted. but thanks again. my eyes are open and im not gonna spend my life hating you. imma think of it as a positive movement in my life. imma be 10 times better. and i'll make sure everyone sees it. that's a promise. imma fight till the day that i die. and you and i may not be meant for one another but everyone has thier soulmate. when it's time and when i find her im going to love her with all my heart, give her everything i can, and hold onto her tight. im glad i had you. im glad we fought and we made up and it led to this. things happen for a reason. if you dont make it someone's future then it means you were never meant to be in thier future. have you ever heard the saying " i asked god for you then i got you, but then you left and i asked god why? and he said sorry...they didnt ask for you" i believe in that too. so thanks once again tami. if you wanna talk or have anything to say relating to this message then just gimme a call...goodbye tami. hope you're happy. take care pigglet.....

DONE....

She cheated on me.....That's basically all I have to say....I'm speechless....but hey....I knew it was coming right? And I still stuck around for it...My decision, but not my fault. I deserve better and I'm gonna do and get better. She don't deserve my heart or what I have to offer. She's outta my system... Not even trippin bout it. What goes around comes around she'll learn that soon enough. Payback and Karma comes back harder and it's a bitch. Moving on.....Holla at me...Goodbye for now....untill the next chapter of my life....

Restless Mind....

I can't sleep at night. It's now 1:35 am and I'm still up listening to the Piano instrumental of Unfaithful by Rihanna. Sometimes I think back on the past and I wounder if I've made the right choices and the right decisions. Sometimes I get so lost and confused that I start to lose my way and a smoke is the only way I can recollect myself and all the pieces and fit them together into one puzzle. Still at the same time everything and every little piece is still scattered throughout the floor and sometimes I feel as if the floor was not just one space but space itself and such a large area for me to have to go search for all the right pieces. I find myself still lost, but that one smoke...it slows me down to think and calms my mind to take it in and let things sink. I feel like my thoughts are devouring me and like I'm being dragged into a black hole of empty space. A dark place. Like my soul is being taken away from me slowly by the minute and with every breathe I take and every waking second, I'm slowly losing my way and slowly losing myself. I just want everything to be ok. I just hope for everything to be alright. I don't wish for nothing to be good because good things always come to an end. But I can handle it if it was just alright. I went across notes and messages left from her. The way she wrote it, it had so much meaning. It was just a couple months ago. How much she missed me and how much she loved me. Poems and such and she was like...basically everywhere. There everyday. Now...It seems as if things have change. Maybe that's just how it is. In the beginning of every relationship it always seems so promising and good. Like nothing else even comes close. You guys cant get enough of each other. Everyday you just want to spend it with that person. The whole day. And then the whole night. Hours at a time on the phone. Never bored or even arguing. It all seems like you guys will be with one another forever. But things change as time passes. It's like...fights come out of no where. Actions aren't well thought of. Like you don't care about the other person as much no more. Is it because you know they'll always be there? Is it because you're tired of that person? Is it because you just don't care about the relationship no more? I don't know what it is. And I don't think I ever will. It's just confusing to me. And every time I try to think of answers it drives me insane and I end up here. Lost with no answers. She used to claim her love so big for me. She used to always try so hard to get my attention and just to hear my voice. Text after text and call after call followed with a voice mail. Then it lead to messages and comments on myspace and stuff. Now...It's completely opposite. She hangs up and it seems like it's whatever to her. Like it don't matter no more. And what I don't get is that...if it don't matter no more then why won't she just leave. I'm opening up the door and offering her her freedom. Always...and why? Because it always seems that way....like she don't want to be in this relationship no more. But she won't leave. To be honest...I kind of miss the old her. How she used to be. Always on my ass 24/7. Missing me constantly and always wanting to be with me one way or another. In person...on the phone....or on the computer. Now...It's kind of whatever. She also has the nerves to change her status on her myspace from "in a relationship" to single. If that's the case then why wont she just leave? Get out of my life already. I don't really know no more, but what I do know is that I already have enough stress in my life and on my mind. I don't want to and I don't need to deal with more. I'm tired of it. I guess this is the last straw. The last line. The last drop. The last beat. I can't do it anymore. I'm done. My mind is always restless and I hate that. I hate that I can't just forget about it and move on. But I will. I have to. She's no good for me. She doesn't deserve me. I'm gone....maybe this time I won't come back....goodbye....

Thinking Back....

Im just thinking back on all the little things we did for one another. All the little gifts and words exchanged and promises we've made. I remember those long nights we had during the summer walking hand in hand and messin around with another. The love we made in the car and the love we shared on those days. I just cant believe it's really gone and there's not going to be any more of that. Im thinking back on how we used to be so loving and there was nothing wrong like...we were a perfect match and a perfect couple. We were perfect in evry way imaginable. I just wish it were the same again. I know I say Im done with her and Im going to get a move on and forget her but I cant. It's got a hold on me and honestly it's the hardest thing ever. She hasnt called me today even after reading my notes sent myspace. It seems she doesnt even care or bother no more. I dont know what to do no more. People say money makes the world go round but for me...I would give up every cent for her. She makes my world go round. For example fishing, smokes and drinking is what I love for. My pride and joy. For these past couple days I dont even want to go fishing no more nor do I feel like drinking. Some people drink to make the pain go away but I drink to feel something. People drink to lose all feelings but I drink to feel something. Im numb to tha pain and dead as can be. Im just a lost soul walking among the earth waiting for my day and my time to come. I've lost my way. I still smoke but its to relax me and help me think. Think back on reality and think about what to do next. It calms me and my mind down. But everytime I smoke it brings memories of her and I get lost and confused like...I dont even wanna live no more. My happiness is gone. My pride is gone. My life....My reason....it's all been lost. I've lost my way....to everything sensible in me and my common sense dont even make sense no more. My thoughts and my mind has been clouded and Im just hoping it will clear up one day. Hoping my days will change form cloudy and stormy nights to sunshine and lighten my way. Lighten my path. Show me the way....the way home. Honestly...I miss her. I just really wish things could be the same again. But the way she acted and the way she is acting now dont seem like they will. At the same time I wanna give up and just say fucc it to everything and do me. But Im not quiter. Im a fighter. I dont like to lose. I like to win. Is this a game to me? It's not...but I always thought I'd die fighting for her love. I knew it was gonna be a bttle and I was all in for it. She knew I was going to be a battle from day one and she thought she could win the battle....but now she gives up...It's gotten to her and too hard for her to do. And for me...Im almost done but I will fight to continue it. No matter what it is...Give me a reason to fight and I will. Give me a reason to give up and leave and I also will. That's just me. Im a complicated person. My mind and thoughts are currupted and fucked up in every way imaginable and it's like one big puzzle that doesnt fit. But only I understand why and only I can fix it. I feel like she's found another already and has slowly let go of me. I feel like she's given up. It seems that way. I think she's already in another relationship....whatever...I dont wanna think about it no more...the more I write or think...the more my mind runs off and it'll never stop. I jus got in from having a smoke but Im going to head out and have another....*sighs*....it's funny how things change so quick....It's funny how lover go to stranger just like that but from strangers to lovers...it takes it's time. I just....wish things could be the same again....