Thinking Back....

Im just thinking back on all the little things we did for one another. All the little gifts and words exchanged and promises we've made. I remember those long nights we had during the summer walking hand in hand and messin around with another. The love we made in the car and the love we shared on those days. I just cant believe it's really gone and there's not going to be any more of that. Im thinking back on how we used to be so loving and there was nothing wrong like...we were a perfect match and a perfect couple. We were perfect in evry way imaginable. I just wish it were the same again. I know I say Im done with her and Im going to get a move on and forget her but I cant. It's got a hold on me and honestly it's the hardest thing ever. She hasnt called me today even after reading my notes sent myspace. It seems she doesnt even care or bother no more. I dont know what to do no more. People say money makes the world go round but for me...I would give up every cent for her. She makes my world go round. For example fishing, smokes and drinking is what I love for. My pride and joy. For these past couple days I dont even want to go fishing no more nor do I feel like drinking. Some people drink to make the pain go away but I drink to feel something. People drink to lose all feelings but I drink to feel something. Im numb to tha pain and dead as can be. Im just a lost soul walking among the earth waiting for my day and my time to come. I've lost my way. I still smoke but its to relax me and help me think. Think back on reality and think about what to do next. It calms me and my mind down. But everytime I smoke it brings memories of her and I get lost and confused like...I dont even wanna live no more. My happiness is gone. My pride is gone. My life....My reason....it's all been lost. I've lost my way....to everything sensible in me and my common sense dont even make sense no more. My thoughts and my mind has been clouded and Im just hoping it will clear up one day. Hoping my days will change form cloudy and stormy nights to sunshine and lighten my way. Lighten my path. Show me the way....the way home. Honestly...I miss her. I just really wish things could be the same again. But the way she acted and the way she is acting now dont seem like they will. At the same time I wanna give up and just say fucc it to everything and do me. But Im not quiter. Im a fighter. I dont like to lose. I like to win. Is this a game to me? It's not...but I always thought I'd die fighting for her love. I knew it was gonna be a bttle and I was all in for it. She knew I was going to be a battle from day one and she thought she could win the battle....but now she gives up...It's gotten to her and too hard for her to do. And for me...Im almost done but I will fight to continue it. No matter what it is...Give me a reason to fight and I will. Give me a reason to give up and leave and I also will. That's just me. Im a complicated person. My mind and thoughts are currupted and fucked up in every way imaginable and it's like one big puzzle that doesnt fit. But only I understand why and only I can fix it. I feel like she's found another already and has slowly let go of me. I feel like she's given up. It seems that way. I think she's already in another relationship....whatever...I dont wanna think about it no more...the more I write or think...the more my mind runs off and it'll never stop. I jus got in from having a smoke but Im going to head out and have another....*sighs*....it's funny how things change so quick....It's funny how lover go to stranger just like that but from strangers to lovers...it takes it's time. I just....wish things could be the same again....

Next Move...?

I'm surprised she didn't call back. I think she is really done with me. Or maybe just found another nigga and is now happy off with him. Usually when we break up she doesnt go deleting and editing stuff on myspace or whatevers but this time she did. I also sent her 2 messages on myspace and she read it but didnt bother to respond to it. I guess her love for me was really just bs huh? So much for loving me right? But I sent her message saying something like....if she ever wanted to get back with me or if it ever came to her mind and she wanted to tell she better be sure of it. She already knows how and who I am and if she is ok with it then go ahead and do so. But I also told her that if she even thinks about making that attempt to be in it with me again....the rules still apply. No nigga what so ever in any way. Last time we broke up but it was kinda somehting like a break for a month and half or something. She told me how there could never be no other and she is gonna try day and night to get me back. Never gonna give up. She still had her phone then too. But then for awhile of me not talking to her and ignoring her...she gave up. Then started immediatley flirting and messin with niggas. I mean...to the point where they wanna kiss. That's fuccin one and a half month. Someone who claims such deep love for another can really bounce back huh? in a couple weeks right? Sike... Never seen that before. So that made me wounder...The love she claimed for me...was it even real? Her actions dont seem like it. Me? I didnt do anything and there was no flirting. She was still the only one on my mind. But her...whatevers...you get it. So this time....let's say its another "break" in a way...i kinda told her but didnt make it clear and said if she didnt understand she should ask me cuz I dont want another dumb answer....and if she dont and wont even consider us again then jus forget it and goodbye....she read it and didnt reply...what does that mean? It just kinda came into mind right now as I was typing. Maybe she dont love me like she said she did or do...Now....I've come to reality and realization...forget it...My next move....Is for her to decide. Lead the way...and call me if you read this. Or...yeah... out to have a smoke and try to knocc myself the fucc out.

Head Strong...

Im done with it. Broke up with her and we argued a bit then she decides to hang up. I think it's a stupid decision but, what's new? She can't even function right to save her life. Always makes those kind of decisions anyways. All I know is...She better not decide to call back. Probrably won't anyways...I feel like she can't wait to leave anyways. Go fuck around and mess around. I've WASTED soo much time and energy on her it's not even funny. Almost one year. ALmost 11 months to be exact. but whatever...her choice and her decision. She chose for it to be this way. She chose her own actions. In a way...She wanted this break up. Cuz she knew she would lose me if she did anything stupid ever again. But time after time she does it and time after time I repeat myself to her and I'm just done with it. But it seems like she dont understand. Never met anyone as pathetic and dumb as her. Well...Im going to keep my head up and look forward to bigger and better things in life. She dont deserve half of what I have to offer to her and I can honestly say...She will NEVER find anyone else as good as me. Because if she do she will only drive them away. And I can say I'm better because I actually stuck around shitt after shitt...good luck to her on everything. She's going to need it. Im outs....and Keeping my Head Strong...

Answers to my Questions....

So today I saw my cousin and his soon to be wife Jenny. We were havin a beer and a smoke and just talking. She noticed my promise ring was no longer on my gold chain around my kneck and she asked me about it. I told her about the whole prom thing and told her I didnt know what to do or say no more. I mean...Im just about done with it. And she agreed with me on the situation. No girl in her right mind would do such a stupid thing? How the hell are you going to have someone dance with you when you have a boyfriend? And to start off with...How the hell are you going to say yes to go to prom with him before asking me...your boyfriend. I didnt even say anything but explain the story and situation to her. No questions asked at all and she just came out saying those things. So i guess I am right and the way I acted wasnt wrong. I have a legit reason to be and feel this way.....Now...I dont know what to do no more...I'm already feeling like I've lost her and that we're drifting apart. My feelings for her are slowly dying and soon....if she doesnt do anything to keep it in tact or to help it grow....it'll be dead....I leave it in her hands....I've got the answers to some of my questions...out to have a smoke...andthen lights out tonight. Not waiting no more....

Wierd...

I was up all night last night untill 4 in the morning. Tried to to take my mind off of her so I played mahjong online for the whole time. It kept my mind occupied. But right now it's now 3:15 in the afternoon and yet no call from her. Its wierd because on weekends her brother and her sister usually goes to store and leaves her home alone to babysit. That's when she finds time to call me. And that happens every weekend. Yesterday they did her niece's birthday so it was alright and ok. But today? Odd. I'm not going to lie. I thought about it...and...yeah...made me go have a smoke. I dont know what's up or what the deal is. I dont know if I can fully believe her. I dont know if I can fully trust her. I dont even know if we're gonna work out no more. I used to be so positive and sure that we would work out. Because I love her. And when you love someone...You make it work out. Through thick and thin, good times and bad. But the thing is...over it all, things should be looking up in a way. Even when you fight you make up and things should be a little better then it was before. For example we on good terms and it's at 50% but then we argue and it goes to 40% but then we find a solution and what not to do and it should be up to 60%. Get what I mean? The arguments and fights are supposed to make you stronger. Make us stronger. But it's not. We go the opposite or just hit that "50%" again. Not that 60%. Love her...But I just cant take it anymore. I keep on sayingg last lines and straws for her but I never keep my word. Its cuz I love her and I want us to work out. But the more she pushes the further I go. One day.....I might just be gone...It's funny how things change....it's wierd how we fight for nothing in return.....

Just So Happens...

Last night I waited all night and she never called. I kind of fell asleep waiting for her at 6 in the morning. The phone never rang. Not once. She called me today and we talked for a bit. Said her brother found the laptop while she was in the shower and when she got out they called her downstairs and asked her about it. Then one minute later after I asked her a question she tried to repeat herself, but then said her other brother took it. He so happened to be in her room. I caught it and noticed the story changed, but I didnt say anything. Aint it just wierd how she planned to go to prom with that guy, I found out, then her laptop is taken away? By the way...that's how she calls me. From the laptop. But yeah...it came to my mind without thinking or hesitation. Like common sense. The prom is in 2 fridays. About 3 weeks from our one year. And out of no where her laptop is suddenly gone? She cant talk or contact me at night. Only on weekdays when she gets home untill close to 6pm then she gotta go because her brother is coming home. Prom is on friday. Weekday. And prom is at night....after 6pm. So does that look a little wired? I dont mean to accuse and say nothing much, but these are my thoughts. And I have these thoughts because of our history. I have my reasons and she understands it. To make things short...she's lost my trust a while back and she is slowly regaining it. I didnt say much to her today and in fact she was only able to be on the phone for about 5 minutes. Didnt say much cuz I dont know what to say or do anymore. I feel like I try and try so hard and I give her so many chances and I'm also very patient with her to get her act together. If you know me...Im not a very patient person. But with her...I dont know...I just kinda am. I think she's just starting to get to me and Im just about close to being done. What am I to do? Again tonight....my mind is gonna be restless and im not going to be able to sleep. Might jus play another instrumental and come write another blog. *sighs*....I miss her though. Truly and honestly do. I miss her alot. And I just wish she could give me her whole heart and not think twice or look in any other direction. I wish she loved me as much as I do for her. It just so happens....love sucks....

I Need Her...

It's now almost 5am and Im still up waiting on her. I find it hard to sleep without her voice. We usually fall asleep on the phone together, but tonight she is no where to be found. Again...Im just listening to an instrumental and thinking about her. Now Im here writing this blog, listening to my instrumental, and still...thinking about her. *sighs* There are many things wrong about me and her and our relationship. There are also many things right about me and her and our relationship. The other night I found out she planned to go to prom with a guy from her school. They "used" to flirt and one day he came to her house and asked her to prom. She said yes. I found out and we argued for hours last night. Is it alright for her to go to prom with someone else? To have them hold one another and dance? To have her in his arms? In my place? Is it ok for her to flirt with another guy to start off with? Or am I just being too much off an asshole and over reacting? She told me she wouldnt do anything wrong ever again and nothing I wouldnt like, but then... she does it anyways. I dont know why. I asked her if I came into her mind when the question was asked and she yes. I asked her if she knew I would be upset about it and she said yes. I asked her if she was wrong and she said yes. I asked her if she knew it was wrong then why'd she do it and if she knew I wouldnt like it then why would she say yes....and she didnt answer. She had no answer. Now, I dont get it. I told her if she wanted to break up and go be with someone else then she could. But she said no. She cries everytime we break up and begs of me to stay but her actions dont say the same. I dont get it. Not to point fingers, but most of the time when we break up is because of some stupid thing that she decides to do. And most or all of her reasons for her actions are plain stupid. "I dont know why, I felt like it , it was a humanly instinct." Come on now...really? It dont answer and explain anything in my point of view. I love her and her personality. I wouldnt trade it for anything or anyone else in this whole wide world. I would die with her in this life and the next holding her in my arms and not having it any other way. Her eyes are the eyes for me to gaze into and lose all sense of feeling and emotion and reality. She is my hope, my pride, my joy, my faith, my girl, my love, my everything, my world, and my wife. I treat her like she is all those to me and more. Sometimes I may yell or get mad and be an ass but its only at times. It still doesnt affect her meaning to me. She's my everything. And no one is put above her. Tonight... I dont know where she is at and I havent talked to her all day. Honestly...I miss her alot. I miss her voice. And I miss her laughter. That's just the beggining. The touch of her soft lips brushing against mine and her tiny little hands fitting perfectly in mine. Let's not leave out the warmth of her in my arms as she holds on to me so tight. Im sleepless and my mind is restless tonight. Last night I told her that I would never need anyone in my whole entire life. Not even my parents or family or friends. I will never need anyone, including her. Because when you need someone or something, you will go out of your way to have it. When you need someone, you will allow them to step over you, treat you wrong, and do you wrong. In the end you always forgive them and still love them and take them back in your life. Why? Because you need that someone. Im a very difficult person and I dont. It's a pleasure for you to have me be apart of your life not for you to be in mine. But tonight as I sat outside and had a smoke, I realized something. I need her. I've come to realize I have forgiven her for all her wrong doings. I have taken her back into my life. And I cant sleep without her. I need her. I need my baby. *sighs*...I just miss her so much...it's starting to get to me. Im not even going to go to sleep tonight. Not untill I hear her voice. Not untill I know she's there....Because....I NEED HER.

Finding Myself

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, wash my face, look in the mirror, and wounder....Who am I? And sometimes I sit on the porch and have a smoke to wounder...does anybody else feel the same as me or do they wounder what I wounder? Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Everyday im here trying to search for myself and who I am. I am Kevin. That's how it starts and that's ho it ends. Sometimes I wounder what the purpose of life is for. Why are we even here. I already know that the biggest oponent and competition in life is youself. I already know that the only real promise in life is death. I already know that only you can make something out of yourself. And I know for a fact that finding yourself is the hardest thing to do. To be able to define and find yourself. All the facts. I'm sitting here listening to instrumentals and it makes me think. About life....family...relationships...future....and past. Not many people may think about it or care...but I bet if they tried to....they'd be just as lost as I am right now. Maybe reality has caught up to me. Maybe my family has gotten to me. Maybe my girlfriend has gotten to me. I dont know....But I do know....I've gotten to myself. The things I say or do. The things I want and need. Its come to me now. Slowly and very confusing but it's getting there. I just wish there'd be a great big book with all the answers. Im in need of one. Dont we all need one? We all see the future and have some sort of answers on how to get there. But what we lack is the answer on how to really get there. What steps to take and what moves to make. For example...We all see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or the big and complete picture of our future life or what we want. But we dont know what to do after we pick up the brush. Do I paint the house first? What color should I use? Or should I paint the sky first? Is this even the right brush to use? Do you get what I mean? We see it there but dont really know how to get there. Everyone has dreams and hope and faith. It's what keeps us gong when all else fails. But how do we actually get there. It's for us to find out and determine. Nothing is ever how it seems. I'm still trying to find myself each ad everyday. Become more than I already am. Obtain and finally have the whole picture painted. When will that be? Who am I still? And by then will I know who I am?

Losing My Way...

I...Don't know what to do no more. I mean...I love my girl. She is smart, cute, pretty funny, gorgeous, adorable, different in her own way, hard headed, stubborn, tough, but soft and just about the complete package. But sometimes... We feel distant or... I feel distant from her. Like... Sometimes when we talk on the phone, well... Most of the time when we're on the phone, it's usuallly me does most of the talking. I do about 80% of the talking. And when I ask her questions to get her to talk it's always short answers andthen... yeah...that's basically it. Just a short answer then nothing. Sometimes I talk and talk to fill the "awkward" silence and then when I shut up to see if she'll fill in the silence...it gets even more wierd. I don't think much about it, but whenever I do get to thinking about it...I'm just like "damn, we shouldn't even be having no silent moments" you know? And the only way she fills up the silence is by asking a question she's already asked in the beginning of the conversation already or by giving me a kiss or by saying I love you. And if I just respond and dont say something to start up another conversation...then it repeats like that untill we hang up or I start being an asshole and mess around with her. Other than that... then it's mostly just me talking. I mean...even with me talking...I should atleast get an opinion or thought or some kind of comment or response, you know? All I get is a "damn, really, wow, and a what the fuck". In a conversation between me and her... I say about 1000 words and she'll say about 150-200. That's no joke. It's not like I just run my mouth and don't let her talk...I do let her talk. I tell her I want her to. But she just doesnt. Why am I with her? Because I love her. Even though in a relationship you're supposed to meet half way at 50/50 or somewhat close to that...with me and her it's 80/20. With words, feelings, affection and everything else. Atleast...I feel that way. I dont know about her because she hardly shows anything at all. I love her enough to give that extra 30% just so we are complete. And why do I love her? I love this girl because she changes me. She doesnt really motivate me, but in way she does. I do everything with her in mind. Sometimes...or alot of times...I just let things slide or tell myself she's still young and is still growing. But whenever I think about the future, I see her in it. I want to do it all for her. To get her the things she deserves and the life she deserves. A good one. The best one. But now I look at us from outside the picture and I see us. Me and her. And when I think about it, hidden thoughts in the back of my mind seem to appear and take process. Why am I really with her? How did we even end up together? Why did I chose her? Why and how does she affect me? Why do I want to grow old with her? And with all these questions...it's sad to say...there aint a single answer. I can bullshit an answer like..."because she's the one or because I love her". But if you want to complicate things and ask why? I wouldnt really be able to answer it. I want to be with her and make everything work out. When you love someone...You make it work out. And I love her. I do. If not...I would've been long gone last year. These thoughts are crowding and clouding up my mind. It feels like my vision has been blurred. Like, my mind has been over worked and the gears have rusted and fallen apart. Im no longer functioning correctly. I'm simply just....losing my way......